FEELING ALL THE EMOTIONS (Part 2)

This is the most difficult part for me. Feeling the feelings. Talking about them. Sharing them. Dealing with deterioration can be a lot. It can be a thread of frustration, discontentment or grief, snaking its way through the pillars of positivity that have been built over the last few years. I’m there trying to cut through those emotions, trying to slash the thread in half before it coils around the good things I want to hold onto. In turn, prompts a chaos of emotions that’s difficult to explain to somebody who has never experienced it. I think a big part of that is that I haven’t always fully acknowledged these feelings for myself. These are big feelings that do not come in quietly and do not use dulcet tones. They yell into my inner thoughts and attempt to convince me that vision impairment is going to make me less of a person than I was before my impairment. Logically, I understand that the fears, voices, and /or feelings of inadequacy coming from this change in my vision are in fact, liars.

So when it comes to dealing with changes in my vision impairment, I’m starting to realize the importance of letting myself sit with those emotions and remember the fact that it’s absolutely okay to feel sad, to grieve, to experience resentment. I’m learning to share the feelings with those I love and not just squish them down into the depths of whatever hellish basement I normally shove the bad feelings into. While I am comfortable allowing others to share their feelings, I am not comfortable being this real with anyone. I have struggled with that for most of my life. Through some help from a professional and great friends who are wonderful at letting me just be whoever I am. No matter if it is happy, sad, or kind of stuck in mourning for a bit. The good news is I don’t have to mask my feelings with them. I still do, but I don't have to. I get called out when I am not being fully in those feelings when I need to be.

I am slowly allowing myself to feel every emotion. It has become a key part of being able to find light beyond the proverbial darkness, and it is helping me ensure that I don’t let things build up in my mind without recognition. Bypassing feelings and tagging it as an ‘I’ll deal with it later’ has been my coping mechanism, albeit a terrible one, for decades and realizing that dealing with those feelings is becoming so important for me. I’m learning that the idea of powering through, of disregarding what you’re truly feeling in favor of appearing ‘okay’, is an archaic concept. (Yep, I’m slow.) I think that in itself is also helping me to deal with change as it comes. See, change.

Despite the fact that I think it’s important to acknowledge the emotions that come hand-in-hand with losing my eyesight, there are times when sitting with them for a prolonged period of time can do more harm than good, and that’s where doing the things I enjoy comes into play. Some days will naturally call for different coping mechanisms, journaling is an example of the importance of electing different mechanisms into power when trying to address whatever emotion I’m feeling on a particular day. I also love to take walks. Just go and walk without a plan or destination. I walk until I’m done. It is one of the few times I can recall not having a list of things to-do, or feeling like I need to do XYZ. I just walk. We moved recently and the walking I would do at the old house was very nature inspired. I had trails, old downtown sidewalks that were treacherous to walk, but had time and personality. We had a river t walk along side of, a park, things that took me out of my own head and allowed me to take in the world outside of myself. Our new place is in a huge neighborhood. Yes, the sidewalks are better, but I honestly can't go out by myself to walk. Kids, cars in the way, random loose dogs, I don't know the area very well, and I haven't felt at home yet. I will get there, but it takes time. I'm not used to suburbia.

To top off the fun of feeling the feelings, I have been experiencing other medical issues as of late. While we don't have any answers to those medical questions as of yet, I sit and think. Reflect. And yes, I feel the feelings. There are times that I'm glad I am past using alcohol and other items to cope, but man! Do I miss those days! It was easier to literally drown myself in any kind of alcohol that it was to face pain from feeling things. So much easier to just ignore it all or make it sit alone until a later date. We joke around my house about feelings. "What do we do with our feelings? We stuff those fuckers down into the sub-basement of our souls. Never to be seen again." In all honesty, I have learned dealing with the feelings makes life better. Although it took me several decades as a fully functional alcoholic to figure that out, but I did it.

For now, I take to writing when I can sit and concentrate long enough on it. Walking will come back eventually. I read sometimes. Watching tv or at least having it on helps. I sit a lot in the thoughts of 'what's next?' Not in a worried thought cycle, but with hope for being able to put plans in place for the future. Hopeful for being able to shift with the new 'normal' whatever that will be. Hopeful for the change coming in the foreseeable future.

CHANGE (Part 3) next post....